recalling wonder

I miss living with the kind of wonder that only a young, innocent heart can have.

I miss believing with all my heart, living with fierce faith and love & passion.

I don’t know where I lost sight of it, but I feel I have been burnt out for such a long time. I miss having my heart flutter when I read the Word of God. I miss having my heart ache at a sunset and whispering, You are so beautiful, Father. I miss being driven. I miss being joyful. I don’t know why or when or how, but I feel I have lost heart & I am unsure how to reclaim it.

Lord Jesus, you know my heart better than I know it myself. Help me find it again. Help me find Your heart again. Would you remind me of the child within me? Father, would you remind me of Your strength, Your heart for me, Your reign, Your goodness, & Your good intentions toward me. I want to live fully for you. I want to run this race well, seeking Your face above all.

I know the truth, help me to walk in it, live in it, & THRIVE in it – all for Your glory.

Even now, I trust you.

Amen.

C H O I C E S

I just finished a book called Two Kisses for Maddy by this dude who lost his wife the day after his daughter was born. The baby came early & the pregnancy was complicated, so his wife was on bed rest leading up to the delivery. She died due to a blood clot on her way to see her new baby girl resting in the NICU. Yes, I know – HORRIBLY depressing story. Dave made fun of me I don’t know how many times for reading the thing. But it was the foreward that caught me & compelled me to first buy & then read the thing. And the basic idea of it was this: You can choose to make something beautiful out of sadness.

This book was not from a Christian perspective – in fact, the guy was clearly anti-God, making several comments about keeping “God stuff” out of his wife’s funeral and his baby girl’s upbringing. It was interesting to see this kind of emotion and determination to live life fully in spite of circumstance coming from the perspective of a man who found hope in his baby girl’s life & his wife’s memory, rather than in God.

It led me to consider how much more then I ought to live with such hope & determination no matter the circumstance.

Life is about CHOICES.

C H O I C E S.

In any and every situation, we have a choice.

In any abuse, we have a choice.

In any devastation, we have a choice.

In any tragedy, we have a choice.

In any victimization, we have a choice.

C H O I C E S.

How am I choosing to live my life today?

Is my choice one that is meaningful?

Is my choice one that matters?

How does my choice affect others?

I believe God is beginning to breathe some new life into my spirit – after a pretty long period of gasping for air. I have been pretty broken up for awhile with a confused jumble of grief, anger, confusion, frustration, fatigue, hopelessness, doubt, and about a thousand other emotions that I can’t put words to. But as I read that book and as I have been blessed with a new body of believers to worship with and as I have been encouraged to continue to seek God, I am finding this slight glimmer of hope.

Hope that makes this victorious shout communicating that in EVERYTHING, I have a choice.

I alone can choose how to live my life.

“…choose this day whom you will serve…” – Joshua 24

He is taking me to new places… I choose to follow despite my fear of the unknown and of what it might cost or require of me.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

young at heart;broken at the core

I have developed a very deep love for children. Somehow in the evolution of my college career, I discovered that I wanted to work with people; I wanted to help broken people find hope and meaning. As time went on, that went from “people” to specifically children. A summer in Ethiopia spent with children who were forgotten, overlooked, and in many ways broken, only increased this desire in me. I so desire to surround myself with children who are unwanted, unloved, and taken for granted. I want to give them love, hope, meaning, and see them healed. 

 

Yet as I have begun only the earliest stages of this endeavor and career route, I have found that I am baffled by the connection between “mental disorder” and spiritual reality. As I am confronted with broken children, who simply are bitter from never receiving the kind of love every child should, or at the furthest extent, children who make animal-like noises and let their eyes roll back in their heads, I wonder – what role does the enemy play in this? And then the natural response for me is, what role does the Father play, and therefore should I be playing? 

 

These children have a brokenness that appears to go so much further than a diagnosis. They have a sickness that goes deeper than medication can reach. Is therapy or medication or services enough to bring healing? I am doubtful. 

 

Yet, when I look at myself, I realize I am not all that different from these children. I, too, have brokenness, bitterness, struggle, and for me the only answer has been Christ. How, then, can there be any other answer for these little ones? The answer is always Christ. 

 

However, in this work, the lines are vague, the diagnoses foggy, and the responses seem to me far from successful. What will it look like to offer Jesus to these children? What do they need to taste, see, hear, and feel the message of the Gospel? What is my role in bringing this Truth to them? And from there, what do I even believe about therapy, medication, and social services? 

 

I am at a strange position as I prepare to go further in this field. Far from changing my career path, yet perplexed about what it will look like to walk in Faith on that path. 

I have a feeling this will take much prayer, much discernment, much study, and much work. I pray I find the willingness & the necessity to do the work.

 

Where you lead me, Lord, I will follow.

Psalm 139

For one of my classes I was assigned the project of creating some type of reflection on Psalm 139. The assignment was open for creativity and expression through whichever avenue we should like to choose. I chose to express my reflection on the Psalm through a prayer & found it to be very powerful for me. I did not realize how much I needed this assignment. Needless to say, I thought I would share it. If only we realized how deep His love truly is for us…

Father, I thank you for being the great & all-powerful One. Thank you for being the God who delights in knowing me – so much so that you observe my every move & take into account my every thought. You are deeply in tune with all I say & do, finding it worthwhile – I praise you for that truth. You know me better than I know myself, Lord. Thank you for being all around me: within me, above me, beneath me. I cannot even begin to comprehend how you consume all that I am & all that I do. I cannot escape you. Thank you for loving me with an irresistible love, for pursuing me without becoming tired. I cannot run from your love or hide from your gaze. My Father, my Lord, my Savior, my King, your presence surrounds & envelops me. I cannot escape your heart. Even when I sin against you, you pursue me. Even when I hide in shame, you cover me with your grace. Even when I convince myself I have gone too far from your side, you draw me near again. I cannot hide from you. For you know me better than I know myself; I am your creation, the work of your hands. And you do all things well. Every single aspect of my being was chosen & orchestrated by your intellect & your creativity & your will. I am the result & the product of your skillful hands. Your work is beautiful; therefore, I am beautiful. Even as I was in my mother’s womb you saw me & you looked ahead to the life I would live. You are a gracious & good God.

It amazes me that you would even consider me, let alone delight in knowing & seeing me. It amazes me to imagine you thinking about me & caring about what I do, say, & how I act. It amazes me that you care how I feel, what I think, and what I do. Even as I sleep, disconnecting from the world, you remain. And when I wake to a new day, you are there; your Spirit resides within me, directing my steps & speaking comfort & truth to my heart.

Reign on this earth, O God, for you are majestic & awesome in power. May all men see the power of your strength. May those who speak against you fall to their knees in worship & awe. May I hate what you hate & love what you love. Search me out, Lord. Continue to know me and do not stop pursing me, but teach me how to honor you with each breath.

I am yours.

Amen.

faithless;faithful

Wow, it has been decades since I have put anything out here. But I am going to attempt to pick back up and keep up with what I’d like to call maggieville. People might read it, people might not; either way, writing is therapeutic for me, so it’ll be good.

 

For some time now each year brings a new WORD to me, a new area or idea for me to focus in on and grow in. The word for this year is faithful. Another word that kinda goes hand-in-hand would be loyal.

I have come to the realization that for the majority of my life I have always felt the need to do something HUGE. I have felt the need to do something recognized, labeled – something noticeable. My human growth and development professor would say that this is due to the “middle-child syndrome” of needing to feel important. That might be true, but it is what it is.

I have seen in the past how this need for recognition, excitement, adventure, approval, and labels has characterized my life. I have always been in the spotlight in one way or another. Although I am reserved and quiet, I have always been on a sports team, or leading worship, or on a committee, or on camp team, or on a missions trip – I have always been involved in something “big.”

But this year I’m not. Coming into my senior year of college, I literally have no official recognition, label, or responsibility. I am just Maggie. Just Maggie. And that’s kinda weird for me, because I’m used to being the basketball player, the RA, the SSLC member, or whatever. But now, just Maggie.

I’m learning that there’s a lot of beauty and a lot to be learned in this “new” role of being myself. It’s so incredibly simple. So simple that at first it felt so weird. At first, I felt the need to find something big to do. But I don’t think that God is asking me to do anything big… at least not in the way I generally think of big.

 

faithful.

loyal.

Do I even know what those words mean?

 

I have come to believe that there is something so much bigger than the big things I have been pursuing. I have come to believe that if I will simply be faithful and loyal, I will find something so much bigger. Instead of trying to make Jesus exciting, or make life an adventure; if I will just be faithful in trusting Jesus to be “big”, and trusting my Father to take me on his adventure, I think I might be surprised with what lies ahead. I have come to believe the adventure comes not by seeking it, but by seeking HIM.

 

I am learning that faithful and loyal means doing what is right when I don’t FEEL it. I am learning that faithful and loyal means doing what is right when I don’t get RECOGNITION for it. I am learning that faithful and loyal means doing what is right when I don’t get an immediate RESULT from it. I am learning that faithful and loyal means being DEVOTED to God. I am learning that faithful and loyal means SUBMITTING myself to him, even when it doesn’t make sense. I am learning that faithful and loyal means praying with the smallest bit of belief that I do have and ACKNOWLEDGING MY LACK OF FAITH.  I am learning that faithful and loyal means being OBEDIENT without questioning the why’s or the how’s or the what’s. I am learning that faithful and loyal means denying myself every day and acknowledging that I desperately need him – even when I don’t realize how much I truly do (which is the majority of the time).

 

Have I perfected being faithful and loyal? Notta chance. Not even close!

But I will continue to seek to walk in this way.

Why? Because his love and very being demands it.

 

“In your freedom I will live; I offer devotion.”

 

Act as free men, and do not use your freedom as a covering for evil, but use it as bondslaves of God… For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have retuned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.

- 1 Peter 2:16, 25

You are God; I am not

It’s amazing to me how the Lord constantly reminds me that I have not & will not “figure it all out.” This usually is quite frustrating to me because that is how I am wired – I am a problem solver, a fixer & I WILL figure it out. I have found that this translates into every area of my life. I don’t even realize it until I fail at fixing something or figuring something out. When that happens I get angry; I feel inadequate, dejected, frustrated, confused, & totally lost. If I am not fixing, solving, or remedying (is that a word?), then what is the point of my existence?! That might make you laugh, but that is how I operate. If I’m not fixing you, I am fixing me. If I am not fixing me, I am fixing this & if I am not fixing this, I am solving that. (& I wonder why I have anxiety.) I am learning that “fix-it mode” takes the JOY out of life. “Fix-it mode” takes failures & mistakes & turns them into catastrophes. “Fix-it mode” takes relationships & turns them into projects. “Fix-it mode” takes experience & turns it into just another obstacle, puzzle piece, or tool. And worst of all, “fix-it mode” steps in front of God, pushes its sleeves up & says, “I’ll take it from here.”

WHERE DO I GET OFF?!?!

God is showing me (graciously) my complete & utter weakness. He is showing me my PRIDE & control freakish tendencies. He is showing me that – SURPRISE! – I am not actually in control, I do not actually have all the answers, & I do not know everything. Weird, I know.

I am blessed that He is a loving & gentle Father, otherwise I would probably get smacked around a little to make the point stick a little better.

I am finally coming to grips with reality:

You are good; I am not.

You are strong; I am not.

You are wise; I am not.

You are love; I am not.

And the most comforting of all:

You are God; I am not.

day of salvation

 

Rescue the perishing, care for the dying,

Snatch them in pity from sin and the grave;

Weep o’er the erring one, lift up the fallen.

Tell them of Jesus the mighty to save.

Rescue the perishing, care for the dying;

Jesus is merciful, Jesus will save.

 

Though they are slighting Him, still He is waiting,

Waiting the penitent child to receive;

Plead with them earnestly, plead with them gently,

He will forgive if they only believe.

 

Down in the human heart, crushed by the tempter,

Feelings lie buried that grace can restore;

Touched by a loving heart, wakened by kindness,

Chords that were broken will vibrate once more.

 

Rescue the perishing, duty demands it;

Strength for thy labor the Lord will provide.

Back to the narrow way patiently win them;

Tell the poor wanderer a Savior has died.

 

-Fanny Crosby

 

 

 

“…now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation.”

(2 Corinthians 6:2)

the joy of suffering

i am learning a very difficult, but extremely valuable lesson: there is great joy in suffering.

the past semester has been one of the most confusing of my life. i have been so up and down, and have experienced multiple types of emotional suffering, and have been unable to find a “quick fix.” i have spent so much of my life depending on myself for answers and solutions, using my resources such as the Word or prayer, but still looking to myself to figure it all out. this time i can’t figure it out, and i think that’s because He won’t let me. i’m learning that i don’t know everything. i’m learning that i won’t always be able to fix things.

i’m learning that oftentimes i just need to rest in my suffering; not ask for it to be taken away or even medicated, but to rest in it, recognizing the truth within the suffering.

this concept is so bizarre to me now, but i am excited to be able to look back on this time in my life and see what God was (is) doing. He is simply incredible.

although it’s easy on a day like today, when i am recognizing His goodness and control, to be so optimistic, i know in my head that this time next week i could be right back in one of the crappy places i have spent the majority of the past 3 months. however i rest in the TRUTH that He is teaching me something valuable through it all.

a major thing i have been learning in suffering is this: all of my judgments and analyzing of people are complete crap. they’re garbage. God is opening my eyes to how much i do not know. He is breaking me down through suffering – humbling me, and gently showing me the Truth. and even though He must do this because of my own sin and pride, He comforts me and loves me along the way.

what a beautiful, holy God.

“How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you…

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.”

-Psalm 31:19, 24

were it not for grace…

i am overwhelmed by my sin.

i cannot begin to describe what my heart feels when i think about who He is.

“Do you not know?

                Have you not heard?

Has it not been told you from the beginning?

                Have you not understood since the earth was founded?

He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,

                and its people are like grasshoppers.

He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,

                and spreads them out like a tent to live in.

He brings princes to naught

                and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.

No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground,

                than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them

               away like chaff.

 ’To whom will you compare me?

Or who is my equal? ‘ says the Holy One.

Lift  your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?

                he who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by

               name.

Because of his great power and might strength,

                not one of them is missing…

 

Do you not know?

                Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

                The Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

                and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

                and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

                but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

                they will run and not grow weary,

                they will walk and not be faint.”  

 

-Isaiah 40:21-26,28-31

 

why would this God even look my way?

my heart sinks when i think about all that He created me to be. my heart breaks when i consider what i could be. why do i always fall short? why do i always miss the mark? when will i ever fulfill His calling and please His heart?

my head tells me there’s grace. my heart feels dispair.

my head tells me He makes me worthy. my heart feels banished from His sight.

my head tells me He still desires me. my heart feels shut out.

my head tells me to go back. my heart aches at the thought of looking into His face and seeing the love i don’t deserve.

 

Who is this King of Glory who pardons sin and releases prisoners?

how many times is He willing to watch me turn away? how many times is He willing to let me pain His heart? how many times is He willing to take me back? how many times is He willing to watch me blatantly reject Him?

how does He survive the pain we cause His heart?

i don’t understand Your love.. & for some reason i am scared to accept it. i am scared to allow you to love me in my filth. i am scared to allow you to look on me with grace, when i know that it is the last thing i deserve.

i rest in what i know to be true..

“…but where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

-Romans 5:20-21

 

 

quieted with l o v e

It’s moments like these when I feel God’s presence most strongly.
It’s moments like these when I am reminded of who God is.

Heartbreak only directs me straight into His arms.
God is my refuge.
In His arms I am safe & secure.
In His arms I know that no matter what happens tomorrow, I am okay.
My God is a God who is near in the heartache, near in the pain.

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

When I can’t take anymore, He is there.
He quiets my fears, pains, regrets & sins with his love.

“When the cold wind blows all around, He will still love me, still love me.
When the cold wind blows all around, He will still love me…

When no home on earth can be found, will You still love me, still love me?
When no home on earth can be found, will You still love me?

When you left us last time, You said You’d return.
& I’m sorry that it takes so long to learn..

That my hope is to walk forever in the coolness of the day.
Oh, my hope is to walk forever in the coolness of the day.

When the cold wind blows all around, You will still love me.”

 

-Waterdeep